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The Stuff People Say

2M views 3K replies 49 participants last post by  WildWilly 
#1 · (Edited)
I have an interest in what people say. It gives me pause sometimes when some stranger is quoted something they had said that seems to ring true. How about putting down something somebody else supposedly said that seems to ring true with you...

"We’re all going to die.
All of us,
what a circus!
That alone should make us
Love each other but, it doesn’t.
We are terrorized
and flattened by trivialities,
we are eaten up
by nothing."
-Charles Bukoski
 
#228 ·
"Where did the white man go wrong?" Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
 
#231 ·
I received an email message this morning that contained these gems:

Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a ******* if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
 
#233 ·
A recent conversation with a woman I just met: (true story)

Her: I'm self employed

Me: Really? What do you do?

Her: I flip houses

Me: That's got to be one big fucking spatula. Can I feel your biceps? [:0]
 
#238 ·
My friend that has nothing better to do than to send me funny emails, sent these saying about wives. I know he is married and he better not let his wife see his messages. Or is his wife sending out these sayings using his computer? [uhoh]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous
 
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#243 ·
At the local general store an old fella said "G'day" to me, I said "Beautiful day, hey!" (which it was)
He looked at me and said "Great day for The race!"
I think 'Huh? Melbourne cup? Bathurst? Olympic 100 metres? Wha?' and reply with "Which race?"
He gleefully pounces and near yells
"tha HUuuuMAN Race!!!!!"

then as he walks off chuckling to himself, "I never thought I'd get someone with that again..." [lol]
 
#244 ·
I am not I
I am this one
walking beside me whom I do not see,
whom at times I manage to visit,
and whom at other times I forget;
who remains calm and silent while I talk,
and forgives, gently, when I hate,
who walks where I am not,
who will remain standing when I die. . . . . . . Juan Ramon Jimenenz
 
#249 ·
“I don't care that they stole my idea . . I care that they don't have any of their own”


― Nikola Tesla
 
#250 ·
"My life is full of mistakes. They're like pebbles that make a good road" Beatrice Wood, on her 105th birthday. When asked how she managed to live 105 years, she responded, "I owe it to art books, chocolate and young men"
 
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#254 ·
"When life hands you lemons, let life find out if lemon rind will shrink hemorrhoids"

or

"When life hands you lemons say 'Lemons? Really? You're sitting on billions of barrels of crude oil and you give me fucking lemons'"?

Both by Me
 
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