BMW F800 Forum banner

Worst Jokes Ever!!!

10M views 27K replies 81 participants last post by  Richard230 
#1 ·
What did the baby light bulb say to his mama? I love you watts and watts.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

Dyslexics of the world untie!!!

I often miss my ex, but my aim is improving

If you're opposed to gay marriage, blame straight couples. They're the ones having all the gay babies.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.
 
#350 ·
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £/$ 1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £/$ 1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the tax authorities ."
 
#352 ·
Is Warren Buffet's $1 billion dollar offer to anyone who could pick the winner in every game of the NCAA basketball tournament proof that no one on Earth at this time is capable of time travel?

Stephen
Or anybody who is capable of time travel does not need $1 billion dollars :)

Anyway there is no such concept of "at this time" if you are a time traveler.

Time travel can never been "invented" because somebody else can just go back in time and invent it before you. This is a classic catch-22.
 
#353 ·
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts “this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts “did anybody else here see my face?”

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter. He goes over and shoots him in the head.

“Did anybody else see my face? he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner.

“I think my missus caught a glimpse”.
 
#354 ·
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter. He goes over and shoots him in the head.

"Did anybody else see my face? he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner.

"I think my missus caught a glimpse".
Damn!!! Just when I think you're out of the running for 1st place, you pull yourself back in. (Al Pacino in the Godfather movie that sucked) [lol]
 
  • Like
Reactions: Richard230
#355 ·
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, reached into her bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. The husband smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said the husband in an anxious tone.
She gave him a smile, hiked up her skirt, reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now" she said, "Have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" said the aroused husband.

"Go look in the garage"
 
#359 ·
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That’s right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis which is why I came here in the first place.”
 
#360 ·
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis which is why I came here in the first place."
The ad @ the bottom of my screen was hilarious when I read this one. See attached screen cap.

Font Line Screenshot Beard Logo
 
Top