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  1. #201
    Dooder's Avatar
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    My latest project. I call this "Jockstrap" I think you all can figure it out.
    How much do you need before you have enough? 

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  4. #202
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Dooder, I think they are supposed to fit snugly around the nuts for the best support! Usually it's 2 per customer!

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  6. #203
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    A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place. All of a sudden he hears a voice that says, "Nice suit." He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses. A little while later the same voice says, "Nice Tie." The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.
    "No," replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary."
    BMW F800S…….

    There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies.... 

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  8. #204
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    Quote Originally Posted by trevor View Post
    Two Nuns in a bath.

    One says

    "where's the soap"

    The other replies.

    "yes it does"
    You have to think of where's homophone
    What's it like to bike around NZ? https://picasaweb.google.com/1043074...59485/BikeTrip 

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  10. #205
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roadpizza View Post
    A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.
    Sounds very much as those these two need to take the madness test I posted in another thread.
     

  11. #206
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    Quote Originally Posted by trevor View Post
    You have to think of where's homophone
    An oldie, but a goody! Is not English a strange language?
    Current rides 2011 grey, grey, black f800st hamburger with the lot + leo vince slip on, Intiminators, M shock, led tailight, bmc air filter, F800Ridrers.org sticker, 2007 blue f800st R.I.P. since bought back. sport panniers top box, k100rs, xr400, can-am400, c71 honda, xr100, xs650 and some 

  12. #207
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    Mmm..I think that is Greek.
    BMW F800S…….

    There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies.... 

  13. #208
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    Quote Originally Posted by trevor View Post
    You have to think of where's homophone
    homophone? did this replace the eyefone?
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  15. #209
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    "You have to think of where's homophone"

    What about "Where's Waldo"?

  16. #210
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    And a special commission piece just for Nota.

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    How much do you need before you have enough? 

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  18. #211
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    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

    The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

    The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!”

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  20. #212
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    "And a special commission piece just for Nota."


    Dooder, that will work in a pinch!

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  22. #213
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    I don't know exactly why but, that reminded me of an old girlfriend of my cousin had..
    BMW F800S…….

    There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies.... 

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  24. #214
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    Quote Originally Posted by WildWilly View Post
    homophone? did this replace the eyefone?
    only the brown eyephone ...

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  26. #215
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Q. What’s the height of optimism?

    A. English batsman putting on sunscreen.
     

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  28. #216
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    Q. What's the height of rejection?

    A. When your hand falls asleep on you.
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  30. #217
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    Q. What's another height of optimism?

    A. A guy who jumps off a 50 story building and as he passes each floor says "I'm still OK"
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  32. #218
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Willy, if the faller pulls himself up short will he have a soft landing?

  33. #219
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    yes
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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

  34. #220
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    phew that's good to know.
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  35. #221
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    What goes nighty nine bump, nighty nine bump?

    A centipede with a wood leg.

    What does night eight bump bump, nighty eight bump bump?

    A centipede with two wooden legs.

    or for the bash techies out there.

    NO_LEGS=99
    NO_BUMP=1
    while LEGS< 99 do
    print 2 x "what goes $LEGS" print "BUMP x $NO_BUMP"?
    print "A centipede with $NO_BUMP wooden legs
    NO_LEGS=$NO_LEGS-1
    NO_BUMP=$NO_BUMP+1
    done

    OK not a real bash script
    What's it like to bike around NZ? https://picasaweb.google.com/1043074...59485/BikeTrip 

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  37. #222
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

    A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.


    Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

    A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
     

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  39. #223
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    Q. What's the definoition of "Endless Love"?

    A. Stevie Wonder and Jose Feliciano playing tennis
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  41. #224
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    I'm calling a foul here!

  42. #225
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    Quote Originally Posted by WildWilly View Post
    Q. What's the definoition of "Endless Love"?

    A. Stevie Wonder and Jose Feliciano playing tennis
    Oh a Stevie Wonder segway.....


    Stevie Wonder was being interviewed.

    Interviewer: "So Stevie has it been a real handicap being blind?"

    Stevie "No not really. It could be worse, I could not be white and good looking"
    What's it like to bike around NZ? https://picasaweb.google.com/1043074...59485/BikeTrip 

  43. #226
    Rizzly Shiznit's Avatar
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    I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.For those of you whom don’t know about passing gas, I needed to fart.....The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas releases with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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  45. #227
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    You're not "Mr Methane" the professional Flatulist, are you? ..

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  47. #228
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    You mean a guy could make a living doing that!? Here, all this time I have been giving it away for free.
    BMW F800S…….

    There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies.... 

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  49. #229
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    I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

    Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

    One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

    So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

    And that's the last thing I remember
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  51. #230
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    Well at least we found a homophone
    Current rides 2011 grey, grey, black f800st hamburger with the lot + leo vince slip on, Intiminators, M shock, led tailight, bmc air filter, F800Ridrers.org sticker, 2007 blue f800st R.I.P. since bought back. sport panniers top box, k100rs, xr400, can-am400, c71 honda, xr100, xs650 and some 

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  53. #231

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    the granddaughter received a call, her 90 year old grandfather had just passed away, she rushed over to see her grandmother, and said 'he seemed ok yesterday what happened' gran replied it was when we were having sex this morning, but gran don't you think you are a bit old for that, gran replied we thought about it years ago so we decided just to have sex every sunday morning at 9am, when the bells are ringing, ding, in, dong out, ding in, dong out, nice and slow. Then today the damn icecream truck came along ringing its bell....

  54. #232
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    So bad, it got an encore?
    Current rides 2011 grey, grey, black f800st hamburger with the lot + leo vince slip on, Intiminators, M shock, led tailight, bmc air filter, F800Ridrers.org sticker, 2007 blue f800st R.I.P. since bought back. sport panniers top box, k100rs, xr400, can-am400, c71 honda, xr100, xs650 and some 

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  56. #233

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    Quote Originally Posted by richarde1605 View Post
    So bad, it got an encore?
    Dingelingeling

  57. #234
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray; twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
    To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

    "Morris Feinberg", he replied

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims, I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

    "And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

    "It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."
     

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  59. #235
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro..


    Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


    Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

    Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

    Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

    Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
     

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  61. #236
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlanI View Post
    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro..


    Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


    Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

    Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

    Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

    Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  63. #237
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Alan must be snowed into a chalet in the Black Forest with no other outlets than this forum.....
    Last edited by notacop; 01-24-14 at 07:28 PM.

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  65. #238
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Somebody mention my name ????
     

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  67. #239
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    I was visiting my granddaughter the other day and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "Oh Gandpa", she said, "this is the 21st century. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this: that fly never knew what hit him . . . . . .
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  69. #240
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    A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

    A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You'll need more ammo."
     

  70. #241
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    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra . . . . .

    I flunked out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

  71. #242
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    Groan....
    Current rides 2011 grey, grey, black f800st hamburger with the lot + leo vince slip on, Intiminators, M shock, led tailight, bmc air filter, F800Ridrers.org sticker, 2007 blue f800st R.I.P. since bought back. sport panniers top box, k100rs, xr400, can-am400, c71 honda, xr100, xs650 and some 

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  73. #243
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

    Have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid. Says he can stop any time.

    I went looking for fog, but I mist.

    I used to be in the banking business, but I lost interest.

    Do you know what they call a dyslexic traffic jam? A fuster cluck.
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  75. #244
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    Velcro - what a rip-off!!!

    Someone stole all the toilets out of the police station. The police say they have nothing to go on.

    Guy gets home from his job at the Acme Porta-Potty company. Wife says "How was work today?" Guy says, "Same old shit"
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  76. #245
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    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    A cross eyed school teacher was fired because she couldn't control her pupils.

    I did a theatrical production with puns. It was a play on words.
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
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  77. #246
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    A father walks into his teenage son's bedroom and catches him pleasuring himself. The father says "Do you know if you do that, you'll go blind?" To which the kid says, "Hey Dad! I'm over here"
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  79. #247
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    And some folks want to ban the Death Penalty......

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  81. #248
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    Bill .... did you find the bad joke book that Alan threw out ... with the left over jokes that he was too ashamed to post ...

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  83. #249
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Quote Originally Posted by WildWilly View Post
    A father walks into his teenage son's bedroom and catches him pleasuring himself. The father says "Do you know if you do that, you'll go blind?" To which the kid says, "Hey Dad! I'm over here"
    Ignore, Devon, you continue using my old joke book whilst I'm in the process of writing another even better one.
     

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  85. #250
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DWS View Post
    Bill .... did you find the bad joke book that Alan threw out ... with the left over jokes that he was too ashamed to post ...
    Jokes that Alan was too ashamed to post? Seriously?
    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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