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  1. #251
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlanI View Post
    Ignore, Devon, you continue using my old joke book whilst I'm in the process of writing another even better one.
    Oh The Humanity!!!!!!!!! Makes me question my anti-book burning stance.
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  4. #252
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    Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!"
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

  5. #253
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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  7. #254
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    One just for you, Devon.

    The Queen is making a visit to Australia, Bruce is at the front of the welcoming party.

    "G'day Madge," said Bruce, "Can I cop a feel a yer tits?"

    "One does not like to be touched." replied the Queen,

    "Yer fair game for an old Sheila," said Bruce, "which one can I touch?"
     

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  9. #255
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    Alan .... we wouldn't be so crass ... as to call Her Majchesty, Madge ....

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  11. #256
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Much less want to touch her tits........

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  13. #257
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    Well without asking first.

    You can normally touch one by accident (crowded trains are best).

    You normally need permission to touch both.
    What's it like to bike around NZ? https://picasaweb.google.com/1043074...59485/BikeTrip 

  14. #258
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    Do you commute by train Trevor?

    Too much information, lalalalala
    Current rides 2011 grey, grey, black f800st hamburger with the lot + leo vince slip on, Intiminators, M shock, led tailight, bmc air filter, F800Ridrers.org sticker, 2007 blue f800st R.I.P. since bought back. sport panniers top box, k100rs, xr400, can-am400, c71 honda, xr100, xs650 and some 

  15. #259
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    "putenza du gibbiuni!" dissi u sceccu quannu vitti u mari... ("what a big pool!" said the donkey when has seen the sea...) 

  16. #260
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    Quote Originally Posted by richarde1605 View Post
    Do you commute by train Trevor?

    Too much information, lalalalala
    No I live in Auckland remember, if you can't drive it we don't use it. You have to move to Wellington where they do that socialist concept "public transport"

    A bit like somebody told me in Texas if you can't deep fry it we don't eat it.

    What's it like to bike around NZ? https://picasaweb.google.com/1043074...59485/BikeTrip 

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  18. #261
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    A guy is taking a Rorschach inkblot test. His psychologist tells him to say the first thing that comes into his mind when he looks at the card. First card is shown and the guy says "Sex." At the second card he says sex again. Third card - sex again. The psychologist flips every card and the guy says "sex" every time. The psychologist says, "It's easy to see, you're obsessed with sex." The guy says "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty pctues!"
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  20. #262
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    Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 shots of whisky on the bar. Bartender lines them up and, as the guy starts downing them, says, "What's the celebration?" Guy says "I'm celebrating my first BJ" Bartender says, "That's great, let me buy you a shot" Guy says "No thanks. If 10 don't get the taste out, nothing will"
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  22. #263
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    Guy walks into a bar and orders a punchbowl filled with whisky. Bartender fills the bowl and places it on the bar. Guy picks it up and takes a swig, sets it back on the bar and sticks his whole hand in the whisky. He repeats this several times and, as the bartender is cleaning up the mess, he says "What the hell's going on here?" Guy says, "Shhhh. I'm trying to get my date drunk"
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  24. #264
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Somebody ban Willy!

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  26. #265
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    Quote Originally Posted by notacop View Post
    Somebody ban Willy!
    I second the motion.
    Do I hear a thrid?
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

  27. #266
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    I third the motion.....
    Actually reading some of these offerings makes me realize I'm not a sick as I've been told I am! Why. I 'm almost normal...sort of.
    I'm just sick enough to find these offerings quite humorous!

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  29. #267
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    I'd like to ban Willy, only I don't want to be known as a hypocrite ...

  30. #268
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Agree
     

  31. #269
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    Wait a second fellas….Let's not go off willy-nilly!
    http://www.thefcconnection.com/pictu...the_week22.htm
    BMW F800S…….
    po tym jak zatwierdzę wiadomo¶ć

    Ezekiel 23:19-20 

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  33. #270
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    I don't want Willy's Willy going off!

  34. #271
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    Bad cop, Bad cop.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph T-100 Bonneville, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  36. #272
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    If you guys continue to play nasty, I'm gonna pull up my pants and go home.
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  38. #273
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Quote Originally Posted by Roadpizza View Post
    Wait a second fellas….Let's not go off willy-nilly!
    Yes, he does smell a bit OFF, Philip, I agree. Anyway, any chap that stands around with his pants down is very suspect in my book anyway.
     

  39. #274
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlanI View Post
    any chap that stands around with his pants down is very suspect in my book anyway.
    HEY!!!!!! I resemble that statement. I take it that you're OK with pants down chaps as long as they're not standing around?
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  41. #275
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Is standing the operative word here?
     

  42. #276
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    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  44. #277
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    So, you wear your chaps Commando style?

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  46. #278
    Zelhem, Netherlands de100kb is offline Volunteer Moderator - Global
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    I Fiftht! Willy has been banned for 24 hours (sorry Bill it was the shortest time possible) for the reason 'Search for better jokes!'

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  48. #279
    Zelhem, Netherlands de100kb is offline Volunteer Moderator - Global
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    I found a way to shorten the ban, so WildWilly welcome back I hope you have learned from this experience better jokes please

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  50. #280
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    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  52. #281
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    And we always thought the picture of Hollie was just a picture

    Bugger Willy got in before me.
    What's it like to bike around NZ? https://picasaweb.google.com/1043074...59485/BikeTrip 

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  54. #282
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    Poor Willy, banned for posting the worst jokes, in 'Worst Jokes Ever!!!' thread. Such a pass. Perhaps we should have a 'Best Jokes Ever' thread? Or is it to late for Willy to turn his life around?

    Will the imbruglio never end? In soup.
    Current rides 2011 grey, grey, black f800st hamburger with the lot + leo vince slip on, Intiminators, M shock, led tailight, bmc air filter, F800Ridrers.org sticker, 2007 blue f800st R.I.P. since bought back. sport panniers top box, k100rs, xr400, can-am400, c71 honda, xr100, xs650 and some 

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  56. #283
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    The ultimate award one can receive in the "Worst Jokes Ever" thread, is to be banned for the worst jokes.
    So we hereby regurgitate WildWilly on his outstanding achievement ...

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  58. #284
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    Quote Originally Posted by richarde1605 View Post
    Or is it to late for Willy to turn his life around?
    Is the pope Catholic?
    Does a bear doo-doo in the woods?
    Is it too late for Willy?

    Hint: all the answers start with "Y"
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

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  59. #285
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Oh, the Humanity.....Willy exonerated!
    He still offers the worst humor going! He be da King!

    Take a bow Willy, Or if you are swearing the Chaps Commado style...Moon Us!

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  61. #286
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
    He begins to worry.
    'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
    'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
    'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
    'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
    'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
    'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
    'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
    She whispers in his ear
    'That's me before the surgery.' ...
     

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  63. #287
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

    I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

    Then she beat the shit out of me….

    Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
     

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  65. #288
    WildWilly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlanI View Post
    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

    I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

    Then she beat the shit out of me….

    Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

    I couldn't resist.
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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  67. #289
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

    Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

    He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

    One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    "Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

    "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

    The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

    On the card was written:

    Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
    Three with meatballs, two without.
    Send extra sauce
     

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  69. #290
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

    The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' '

    Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
     

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    An average day at the family practice clinic until Jack runs into the waiting room full of patients. He is out of breath, red faced and in a lather. He yells "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a tee-pee!". The intake clerk asks him what is wrong and to please have a seat and compose himself. He replies "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a tee-pee!". The doctor is hurriedly summoned to the waiting area where he finds Jack circling manically and shouting "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a tee-pee!". The doc coaxes Jack to an empty examination room and in his most reassured and calm voice, "Jack, relax and tell me what is bothering you". Jack once again barks "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a tee-pee!". The doc, arms crossed and stroking his chin, squints and says "Jack I know what is wrong with you... you are just two tents".

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    I usually expect something special, for so much reading ...

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  74. #293
    Southern Germany AlanI is offline Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
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    Well done, Mark, in the true spirit of this 'Worst Jokes Ever' thread, that last one of yours sure takes the biscuit. Puts the rest of us to shame and the following pales in comparison.

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
    The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "


    Hope that wasn't too much reading for you, Devon?
     

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  76. #294
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    A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

    The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
    'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
    'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man..

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't
     

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  78. #295
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    A truck driver is seated at the counter in a diner eating breakfast. 6 hells angels walk in and start harassing him. One puts his cigarette out in the driver's coffee. Another angel sticks his finger in the eggs as another eats his toast. Truck driver doesn't say a word. He pays his bill and quietly leaves. One of the bikers says to the waitress, "Wasn't much of a man, was he?" To which the waitress replies, "Wasn't much of a driver either. Ran over 6 harleys on his way out of the parking lot"
    Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

    2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic
    Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st 

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    Quote Originally Posted by AlanI View Post
    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't
    and it won't what???

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  82. #297
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    What, you gots no imagination?

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    well I was thinking ... and it won't get extracted, because the Doc's on Holidays ...

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  85. #299
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    Yea, missed of the 'and it won't hurt so much' so as to keep the joke in keeping with the worst joke thread. After all, they don't come much worse when they don't have an ending now do they?
     

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  87. #300
    notacop is offline The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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    Stories with vague/bad endings are referred to a shaggy dog stories. I can think of one but I don't wanna type that much.
    Has to do with a bloke named Dunne.

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