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Worst Jokes Ever!!!

10M views 27K replies 81 participants last post by  Richard230 
#1 ·
What did the baby light bulb say to his mama? I love you watts and watts.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

Dyslexics of the world untie!!!

I often miss my ex, but my aim is improving

If you're opposed to gay marriage, blame straight couples. They're the ones having all the gay babies.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.
 
#26,101 ·
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it become?
 
#26,104 ·
Here are 10 "unnamed" cartoons that a friend just sent me. [:D]
 

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#26,106 ·
Here are a few corny elemental jokes. [uhoh]
 

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#26,107 ·
Here is the latest batch of old folks cartoons that an old friend sent me last night.
 

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#26,108 ·
It's getting cold over here in VIC.
It was so cold in our room today that, every time I opened the door, the light came on.

I asked my mate how he found the weather down here. He said he just opened the front door and there it was.
 
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#26,110 ·
Here is a real old one, but it is still funny: If the Germans can make something with 15 parts, the Japanese can do it with 10, the Italians with six, and the British can do just as well without it. [:D]
 
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#26,112 ·
Some oldies here but most remain funny:

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don't sing!

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 
#26,114 ·
If you thought the working week was bad, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!
 
#26,115 ·
Life begins at 40, but so does lumbago, bad eyesight, arthritis and the habit of telling the same story three times.
 
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#26,117 ·
A dwarf went to the psychiatrist because he weighed 50kgs and his testicals weighed 25 kgs and he thought he may be half nuts.
 
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#26,118 · (Edited)
Short skirts make men more polite.
Have you ever seen a bloke get on a bus ahead of a girl wearing one?
 
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#26,120 · (Edited)
They say that children brighten the home.
That's because they never turn the bloody lights off!
 
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