Worst Jokes Ever!!! - BMW F800 Riders Forum & Registry



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  1. #26101
    steve n rose's Avatar
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    If you choke a smurf, what colour does it become?
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  3. #26102
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    Quote Originally Posted by steve n rose View Post
    He is but a jester!
    Are you jesting my disposition sir or my but
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein
     

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  5. #26103
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    James Sadilek -- ccwatchmaker
    In the garage: 1972 BMW R60/5 - 1983 Yamaha XJ650 Maxim - 2014 F800 GT
     

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  7. #26104
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    Here are 10 "unnamed" cartoons that a friend just sent me.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  9. #26105
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    Here is a funny one. The latest in bridge repair material.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

  10. #26106
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    Here are a few corny elemental jokes.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

  11. #26107
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    Here is the latest batch of old folks cartoons that an old friend sent me last night.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  13. #26108
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    It's getting cold over here in VIC.
    It was so cold in our room today that, every time I opened the door, the light came on.

    I asked my mate how he found the weather down here. He said he just opened the front door and there it was.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  15. #26109
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    I find the weather is very weatherish
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein
     

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  17. #26110
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    Here is a real old one, but it is still funny: If the Germans can make something with 15 parts, the Japanese can do it with 10, the Italians with six, and the British can do just as well without it.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  19. #26111
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    Ah, the brits with the right tools can make something from nothing, not many others can say the same
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein
     

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  21. #26112
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    Some oldies here but most remain funny:

    Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

    If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

    I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

    I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

    I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

    Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

    I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


    I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

    A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

    Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

    Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

    I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

    A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

    Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

    Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

    It’s weird being the same age as old people.

    When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

    It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

    Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

    Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

    I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

    So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

    I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

    You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

    We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  23. #26113
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    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein
     

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  25. #26114
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    If you thought the working week was bad, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  27. #26115
    steve n rose's Avatar
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    Life begins at 40, but so does lumbago, bad eyesight, arthritis and the habit of telling the same story three times.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  29. #26116
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    When I meet my friends in the pits. We seem to talk more about urinary track. Than the race track.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  31. #26117
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    A dwarf went to the psychiatrist because he weighed 50kgs and his testicals weighed 25 kgs and he thought he may be half nuts.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  33. #26118
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    Short skirts make men more polite.
    Have you ever seen a bloke get on a bus ahead of a girl wearing one?
    Last edited by steve n rose; 04-29-21 at 05:06 AM.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  35. #26119
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    I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  37. #26120
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    They say that children brighten the home.
    That's because they never turn the bloody lights off!
    Last edited by steve n rose; 05-06-21 at 02:38 AM.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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  39. #26121
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    Richard, that time travel joke was really funny!!
    07 F800 ST 

  40. #26122
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    Quote Originally Posted by scf View Post
    Richard, that time travel joke was really funny!!
    Thanks, but it was nothing new.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

  41. #26123
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    Life is a hereditary disease with a terminal prognosis.
    Last edited by steve n rose; 05-06-21 at 02:38 AM.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

  42. #26124
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    Kids and lights again.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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  44. #26125
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    More advantages and disadvantages to various U.S. states where you could retire:

    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
    1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
    6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

    OR

    You can retire to California where..
    1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

    OR

    You can retire to New York City where...
    1. You say, "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    OR

    You can retire to Minnesota where...
    1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
    2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
    3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
    6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

    OR

    You can retire to The Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”
    6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!

    OR

    You can move to Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

    OR

    You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

    OR

    FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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    Richard, you make that sound so inviting
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    I was going to read a time travel post from Richard230 but it has taken an age
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flook View Post
    I was going to read a time travel post from Richard230 but it has taken an age
    If you thought that took a long time, try reading all of the jokes in this thread!
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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    No problem.I have a watch in my hand, so I have plenty of time on my hands
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    Ah caught out and strapless
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    You are awful, but I like it.
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    Here are some jokes for the times.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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    Tarzan went home one day after a day hanging about in the jungle and asked Jane, "What's for tea?". Jane pointed at a pot. Tarzan lifted the lid and saw that it was half full of finches. "What else have we got?" ask Tarzan. Jane pointed to a bigger pot where he discovered chimpanzees cooking away.
    "Oh bugger," Tarzan says, "not finch and chimps again!"
    Last edited by steve n rose; 1 Week Ago at 04:08 PM.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
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    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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    Being Irish I always come across people that somehow think its funny to tell me "Irishman" or "Paddy" jokes, seriously, this happens quite a lot and i'm not a fan.
    I have devised a way to leave them baffled, speechless and feeling a little stupid - without my getting angry.

    In this situation after a few "Paddy" jokes have been told I lean in towards them with a smile and ask "Have you heard the Irish knock knock joke ?" .... To which they always eagerly reply "NO" anticipating a good laugh. I then say - "You start" - to which they always reply - "Knock knock" - I then ask "who's there ?"
    and stand back in silence and watch the confusion flood their redenning expressions .... generally that pretty much does the trick and puts them in their box.

    If they are so stupid that they cannot see that they have been ridiculed, I ascertain their nationaly and ask "How can you tell the age of a (their nationality) man/ woman ?" The normal answer is "Dunno" - to which I reply "Chop off their head and count the rings on their neck"

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    Bugger, there goes my next lot of Irish jokes.
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    Did you here about the Kiwi that waited outside a brothel for hours because the red light wouldn't turn green.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
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    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless 

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    It has been my observation that most Irish jokes are told by the Irish. Many Irish men don't take themselves all that seriously.

    When I was growing up the city that I lived in was run (politically) by Italian businessmen and the Irish did most of the manual labor (they seemed to love digging and fighting ) However I would hear very few Irish jokes, just about all of them were Italian jokes (that had probably been first told by Egyptians during Roman times) - likely retold by the Irish down at the local bars (of which there were many in town at the time) in between their barroom brawls.

    When I was stationed just outside Boston, MA, the Italians there told Polish jokes. In other areas of the country, where many Polish people lived, they tell the exact same jokes about Italians.

    No doubt the same sort of thing going is on in other areas of the world. Maybe even in Kiwi land.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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    When did the Kiwi get fruity, when he was graped
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    Quote Originally Posted by costellon View Post
    Being Irish I always come across people that somehow think its funny to tell me "Irishman" or "Paddy" jokes, seriously, this happens quite a lot and i'm not a fan.
    I have devised a way to leave them baffled, speechless and feeling a little stupid - without my getting angry.

    In this situation after a few "Paddy" jokes have been told I lean in towards them with a smile and ask "Have you heard the Irish knock knock joke ?" .... To which they always eagerly reply "NO" anticipating a good laugh. I then say - "You start" - to which they always reply - "Knock knock" - I then ask "who's there ?"
    and stand back in silence and watch the confusion flood their redenning expressions .... generally that pretty much does the trick and puts them in their box.

    If they are so stupid that they cannot see that they have been ridiculed, I ascertain their nationaly and ask "How can you tell the age of a (their nationality) man/ woman ?" The normal answer is "Dunno" - to which I reply "Chop off their head and count the rings on their neck"
    The answer to that one is ------- Wooden top
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    Here is a joke from a Frank & Ernest a cartoon in my newspaper today that I thought was kind of funny: The medical school professor asks his students: "who can define a bone ". The reply is" "the shortest distance between two joints".
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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    Outside the lion Park there's a notice stating the entry fees for cars and buses. It also states that Poms on bicycles are admitted free.
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    Did you here about the Pom who came out to Australia, married an Aussie prostitute and dragged her down to his level.
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    The medical school professor asks his students: - what is a joint

    Your answer is:-
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    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
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    Something you smoke
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    A rundown bar. BTW, what is a "pom"?
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior. 

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