Worst Jokes Ever!!!

[Richard230]

If you are going to do it, go big.

[Richard230]

More cartoons.

[Flook]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough" says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99".

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poops by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[Flook]

I have been wondering, because we all have to wear masks these days where ever we go, then I was considering going into a Bank taking my mask off off and robbing it, question is would I be recognised.

So I go into the bank, remove my mask and hold it up (no not the mask, the bank), the security guy's stand with mouths open, when one says, I do not recognise him, the others yes.

[Flook]

I am looking for a sheet of Xmas wrapping paper about 40ft long and 2inches wide as I have just bought the wife a new washing line

[Flook]

3 Irish men in a pub called Mick, Pat & Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?" Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!" Barman said "Triplets!, how come you&Pat are 6ft tall & Tat is only 4ft tall?", "Well!" said Mick "Me & Pat were breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

[Richard230]

Paddy went to the Doc’s today. There he asked the Doc “do you treat alcoholics”? The Doc replied, “of course we do”
Paddy then says “O' great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint!"

The Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”
Lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Now why would I be need'in two empty feckin glasses?”

Mary says to Paddy "If you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”
“My uncle Mick” promptly replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.
“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”
"O' I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. ”Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

[Richard230]

An oldie, but a goodie. I decided to add my own ending:

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded
a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Back to the drawing board, apparently. Next time god will have to pick a Noah that lives in Texas, instead of California.

[Richard230]

And here it is. The Hillbilly Ark.

[Richard230]

Why the Germans never win sled races.

[Richard230]

[steve n rose]

What happens to a lawyer that jumps out of a plane at 36,000 feet without a parachute?

Who cares!

[Richard230]

Then and now.

[stephen]

After the events in Washington, Mexico has decided they will pay for the wall. Canada wants one also.

[Flook]

Magic Sandals


A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.


From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'


So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.


The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'


The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'


Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.


As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!


In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Flook]

After the Ashes.

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help you?”

“Yes” she said, “I'd like to report a case of sexual assault”.

“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.

“In the park just down the road” she replied.

“Can you describe what happened?”

“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me”.

“Could you give me a description of him?”

“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg”.

“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.

“Yes”, said the lady, “He was an Aussie Cricketer”.

“That's very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”

“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long”.

[Flook]

I cannot attach joke OH bugger

[Richard230]

WHERE TO RETIRE

I can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know "dry heat" is comparable to what hits your face when you open the oven at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR

I can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Earthquake, and Drought.

OR

I can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (If you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

I can retire to Minnesota or Wisconsin where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have ninety-seven recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR

I can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!

OR

I can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $5,000 mountain bike atop your $800 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

OR
I can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY, I can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind, even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.