Worst Jokes Ever!!! - BMW F800 Riders Forum & Registry



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  1. #26001
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    stephen hughson
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    So far it looks like 100%.

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  4. #26002
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    The kindergarten teacher thought the kids should tell each other something about their families.
    Little Johnny says, 'Well, Miss, my dad has two penises!'
    'Don' t be silly, Johnny, that's just not possible. '
    ' It's true, Miss, he's got a small one he wees out of, and a really big one that he cleans Mummy's teeth with! '
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless

  5. #26003
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    VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
    Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
    Where do they go?

    Wonder no more ! ! !
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    scroll down

    .

    .
    .

    .

    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

    You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

    It's so easy to fool OLD people.

    I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

    Oh quit whining I fell for it, too
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  7. #26004
    Flook's Avatar
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    If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  9. #26005
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    To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  11. #26006
    Flook's Avatar
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    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  13. #26007
    Flook's Avatar
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    I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  15. #26008
    Flook's Avatar
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    If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  17. #26009
    Flook's Avatar
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    I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  19. #26010
    Flook's Avatar
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    When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  21. #26011
    Flook's Avatar
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    When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  23. #26012
    Flook's Avatar
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    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  25. #26013
    Flook's Avatar
    Points: 134,216, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  27. #26014
    Flook's Avatar
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    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    I raced a Harley today. I was riding through the twisting sections of a back country road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "40 MPH". I knew if I was going to pass him, it would have to be a place where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
    I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. A few corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
    Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down a hill. I think he was shocked to see me next to him. I almost got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me.
    My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.
    Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
    But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the end of the twisties, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
    Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him.
    I will always remember that moment.....

    Cos I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life........
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  29. #26015
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    How I became unemployed. (from the former communist Czechoslavakia)

    I was the director of a large corporate group. My beautiful secretary brewed every morning my coffee, I drove to work in the Tatra 613. Once they came to me asking to pay CZK 5,000 for the funeral of a member of the Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5,000 CZK I would bury the whole Central Committee myself. Since then, I have worked as a business director of a small company. My old secretary brewed my coffee and I drove to work in the Tatra 603. I was once told that I was not attending the last meeting of the Communist Party. I said that if I knew it was really the last, I would have shown up with a banner. I've been a chief mechanic ever since. I drove to work in my own car, brewing coffee myself. I had a picture of Husk (President) and Gina Lollobrigida on the wall. They told me to take the bitch off the wall. I have removed the picture of Husk and have been working in the excavation business ever since. I rode my bike to work and carried my coffee in a thermos can. While I was digging, they came to me asking to hide my bike, the Soviet delegation would be passing by. I said my bike was locked and insured. And I've been unemployed ever since.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  31. #26016
    steve n rose's Avatar
    Points: 66,336, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Steve
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    Motorcycle
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    What is the difference between Aussie men and government bonds?
    The bonds mature.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless

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  33. #26017
    steve n rose's Avatar
    Points: 66,336, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Steve
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    What's an innuendo?
    An Italian suppository.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless

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  35. #26018
    steve n rose's Avatar
    Points: 66,336, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Steve
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    Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical situations.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless

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  37. #26019
    steve n rose's Avatar
    Points: 66,336, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Steve
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    One for Bill.
    Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker with men than women?
    When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless

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  39. #26020
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    A new guy in his late 70's showed up at a nursing home.
    After a few weeks he claimed to the women he could tell their age by just feeling their tits.
    A skeptical women lifts her shirt and when he's done, asks well "what's my age"?
    He answered "you're 76".
    That's amazing, she asks how did you know that?
    "You told me yesterday", was his answer.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  41. #26021
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    You learn something new every day.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version.

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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  43. #26022
    Richard230's Avatar
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    Here are some cartoons for a gloomy Monday.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  45. #26023
    Richard230's Avatar
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    Cat protection hat.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version.

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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  47. #26024
    Flook's Avatar
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    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    George phoned home. A young girl answered. Hello darling is mummy there?
    She's up stairs with uncle Tony she said. Uncle Tony......! He thinks. Who is that? Oh..... just call up and tell them, I am two minutes away and will be home very soon. Ok, said the girl. and shouts upstairs, Suddenly he hears a loud commotion through the phone. What has happened? He asked. Uncle Tony jumped out of the window into the swimming pool with no clothes on. He did not know you had drained it for cleaning. Oh thought George.... Swimming pool!
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  49. #26025
    Flook's Avatar
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    Motorcycle
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    Click image for larger version.

Name:	127446650_3570691636325940_4366825901741332494_o.jpg
Views:	29
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ID:	369709
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  51. #26026
    Flook's Avatar
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    My Dad used to hit me with a camera. I still get flashbacks.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  53. #26027
    Flook's Avatar
    Points: 134,216, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    Anyone notace how many people put up posts aboot there old scool days, and how bad thire speling is.
    Terrabel aint it?
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  55. #26028
    Flook's Avatar
    Points: 134,216, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished - I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  57. #26029
    Flook's Avatar
    Points: 134,216, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    The wife has asked for something in silk for xmas...

    No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

  58. #26030
    Flook's Avatar
    Points: 134,216, Level: 100

    Real Name
    Dave (yes, another Dave)
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    Motorcycle
    '08 F800ST
    I was going to get my partner some of that special helicopter oil, but they only had plane
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  60. #26031
    Flook's Avatar
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    Motorcycle
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    When you think about it LEGO people must all work in a building

    Yeah just a few blocks away
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  62. #26032
    Flook's Avatar
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    Motorcycle
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    Motorcycle
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    Click image for larger version.

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    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  64. #26033
    Flook's Avatar
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    Real Name
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    Motorcycle
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    This has perplexed me for years.
    Why do noses run, but feet smell?
    Answers on atishoo please
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  66. #26034
    Flook's Avatar
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    Real Name
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    Motorcycle
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    Motorcycle
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    Stop picking on fat people
    They've got enough to chew on.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  68. #26035
    Flook's Avatar
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    Motorcycle
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    Police have found a body at a chocolate factory, when asked the time of death, the pathologist said, After Eight.
    Please note, the thoughts and opinions of Flook does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of other posts & site users therein

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  70. #26036
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    A foolproof intercom.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  72. #26037
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    I thought it may've been a smooth riding testing device.
    As of Mon, 1st Feb 2016- ;
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
    Today is a gift (that's why it's called "the present")
    #1 tip I ride by: Ride as though you're invisible, not invincible
    Bikes so far: Honda CB250-Traded, Suzuki GS500F-Traded, '07 F800ST Matt Graphitan-Deceased, '10 F800ST Night Blue-sold, at present bikeless

  73. #26038
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    Quote Originally Posted by steve n rose View Post
    I thought it may've been a smooth riding testing device.
    That too. Designed by a dentist, no doubt.
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  75. #26039
    Richard230's Avatar
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    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
    Man ~ "That's nice."
    Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
    Man ~ "No, thanks."
    Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
    Man ~ "OK, how much?"
    Boy ~ "$250?
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy ~ "It's dark in here."
    Man ~ "Yes, it is."
    Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy ~ "$750?
    Man ~ "Fine."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy ~ "$1,000?
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
    "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
    The boy says, "It's dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  77. #26040
    Richard230's Avatar
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    Kind of reminds me of the government. He is here to help.
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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  79. #26041
    Richard230's Avatar
    Points: 215,907, Level: 100

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    For you Start Trek fans:

    Q: How is the Federation Starship NCC1701 like toilet paper?

    A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons...
    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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  81. #26042
    Richard230's Avatar
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    Planet name change.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version.

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    Richard - Current bikes: 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2011 Royal Enfield Bullet 500 Classic, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM 390 Duke, 2002 Yamaha FZ1 (FZS1000N) and a 1978 Honda Kick 'N Go Senior.

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