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Worst Jokes Ever!!!

10M views 27K replies 81 participants last post by  Richard230 
#1 ·
What did the baby light bulb say to his mama? I love you watts and watts.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

Dyslexics of the world untie!!!

I often miss my ex, but my aim is improving

If you're opposed to gay marriage, blame straight couples. They're the ones having all the gay babies.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.
 
#26,162 ·
A 95 year old man goes in for his annual check up, only to find his old doctor has passed away.

The young replacement checks him over and tells him he's in great shape for his age.

"Aren't you forgetting something? Old doc Johnson always checked my sperm count.”

"But you're 95" replies the youngster.

The old man persists and gets his way. The doctor gives him a specimen bottle and tells him to return it with his sample.

A few days later the old man returns with his head hung low and hands him the empty jar. The doctor smiles "Have a little trouble old timer?"

The old man replies "Doc, I tried with my left hand and I tried with my right. Edith, God bless her, she tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out...










but we CANNOT get the lid off this bottle.
 
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#26,164 ·
A fellow on the Royal Enfield forum came up with this explanation of the old Soviet economic system which I thought was both funny and likely pretty accurate:

Well, with the actual Soviet system you produced 4 widgets a day but recorded you made 6.

The transport guy would pick up your 4 widgets to drop at the railway station but record he collected 6.

The railway yard would receive the 4 real widgets and 2 imaginary ones and ship 2 real ones and 4 of the imaginary ones to Moscow and stockpile the other 2 real ones, as there was insufficient rolling stock available to ship 6 real widgets, and anyway maybe they could sell the left over real ones, that did not fit on the train, on the black market (there being no real black market for imaginary widgets) as they had not been paid in over a year and needed the cash.

At Moscow the 6 widgets (2 real and 4 imaginary) would be put in storage. No one minded the shortfall, as there was insufficient space to store 6 real widgets anyway.

An inventory at a later date would reveal that 4 of the stored widgets (the imaginary ones) had been stolen initiating an investigation into theft in the Moscow warehouses. Though no-one really cared because there was no actual demand for widgets as they were obsolete tech that no one really wanted.

I suppose in a way it was a Cold War era forerunner of Futures Trading in the west - where people buy and sell imaginary cows.
 
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#26,165 ·
Anyone recall the song Ghost Riders in the Sky? Well, here is a new version, Ghost Chickens in the Sky:
 
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#26,167 ·
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly… The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Son, go get your Mother.
 
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#26,168 ·
Someone on the Royal Enfield forum posted this photo, which gives you an idea of what interests them - tractors and babes. [;)]
 

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#26,176 ·
DEAD HORSE

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
 
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#26,177 ·
I've never travelled overseas, but I did get an invitation to go to Paris at one time.
I had a French letter with come in it.
 
#26,178 · (Edited)
I can see the point of getting lots of shots from this nice lady. [:D]
 

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