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Worst Jokes Ever!!!

10M views 27K replies 81 participants last post by  Richard230 
#1 ·
What did the baby light bulb say to his mama? I love you watts and watts.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

Dyslexics of the world untie!!!

I often miss my ex, but my aim is improving

If you're opposed to gay marriage, blame straight couples. They're the ones having all the gay babies.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick.
 
#42 ·
George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval office when his Press Secretary and PA walked in.

"Mr. President," said the Press Secretary. "Your new economic policies are not popular at all. people are losing their jobs and there are riots in many cities."
Though slightly shaken, the President composed himself. "We must pay the price for growth. The pain now will be rewarded with long-term recovery."

The next day they both walked in again.
"Mr. President," said the PA. "Al Qaeda have just released a tape saying that they will attack several US landmarks by Christmas."
George Bush shuddered. "We must have courage. We will not back down from the fight till the fight is won."

The following morning they walked into the Oval office again.
"Mr. President," said the Press Secretary. "Tony Blair has said he is going to pull out all of the British troops from Iraq. he says he won't be your poodle any more."
"If we have to stand alone..." stammered the President. "Then we will do it. We will not falter in the hour of... in this time of need."

When they walked in the next day, they found that George Bush had completely lost his nerve. His backbone had dissolved and he had flopped onto the floor, a quivering jelly-like mass.
"Mr. President!" exclaimed the PA. "What happened?"
The President tried to reply but just wobbled in response.
"Shall we call Dick Cheney?" asked the Press Secretary.
"No," said the PA. "His heart is weak enough as it is."
"So, what can we do?"
"Well, I have a radical idea. We could make a George Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it and then leave him in the fridge for an hour or so."
"I don't think that is wise."
"Why not?"
"It could set a President." !!!.
 
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#44 ·
3 guys are trudging through the jungle, searching for the elusive foo bird. The foo bird flies over them and craps on one of the guy's head. The guy brushes if off and dies instantly. Foo bird flies over again and craps on the second guy's shirt. He brushes if off and dies instantly. Foo bird flies over again and craps on the last guy's shoe. He thinks the first 2 died because they brushed it off, so he trudges 20 miles to the river. He lets the water gently remove the foo crap. When the last bit washes off, he dies instantly too. The moral of the story?
If the foo shits, wear it.
 
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#46 ·
Johnny arrives at his farm house after a really bad day at school. In an angry mood, he tries to tip over a cow, kicks a pig and chases a chicken. When he gets to the farm house his Mother says, "For pushing the cow. you don't get any milk for a week. For kicking the pig, you don't get any bacon for a week. For chasing the chicken, you don't get any eggs for a week Now get up to your room and do your homework". Later that day, his Dad arrives home after a really bad day at work. In an angry mood, he chases a cat off the front porch. Johnny runs downstairs yelling "Can I tell him? Can I tell him?"
 
#47 ·
CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS BEWARE

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into my supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!
 
#48 ·
Guy visits his doctor with the complaint that his p#n#s is sore all the time. 24/7. During the exam the doctor says, "First thing I've got to tell you is that you have to quit #####rbating". The guy says "Forever?" The doctor says "At least until I get done with the exam".
 
#50 ·
Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Drinks for everbody in the house and fix yourself one too." The bartender takes care of everyone in the crowded bar and pours himself a shot. The guy does this 2 more times and the bartender gets a little nervous as he has to cover any unpaid tabs. He says to the guy "You want to settle this tab now? It's over $400.00." The guy says "$400.00? I can't cover that, I'm flat broke." Bartender leaps over the bar, beats the crap out the guy and thows him into the middle of the street. Two weeks later the same guy walks into the bar and says "Drinks for everybody in the house." The bartender says, sarcastically, "What, you're not going to buy me a drink?" Guy says "Hell no! You get violent when you drink."
 
#51 ·
A very drunk man stumbles into a piano bar and sits down at the piano. The bartenders yells at him, but he starts playing the piano anyway. He plays for 10 minutes and when he finishes, everybody in the bar is crying after hearing a very beautiful melody. The bartender asks him where he learned the melody and the man says "I wrote it". The bartender asks why he, and everybody else in the bar, has never heard it before. The man says "Because nobody will publish it. Sent it to every music publisher in the world and they all refused to publish it." As he's leaving the bar some one shouts "What's the name of the song?" The man shouts back "I Love You So F###ing Much I Could S##t"
 
#54 ·
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a Teacup and a Bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand" I said. "A normal person would use the Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 
#56 ·
You are now in first place in this contest. :rolleyes:

Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"

Wife replies "Kowanini!"

Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"

And how many of you have been sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese. [lol]
 
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